I was the girl in school who had a new "best friend" each year. Fond memories of childhood are often recalled beginning, "When I was best friends with April..." "... with Amber..." "... with Angela..." "... with Dana..." "... with Kerri ..." etc., etc.
I guess that's fairly common for children... becoming close to girls who happen to be in your class that year, or who is in the same dance class or Brownie troop.
But what is my excuse now that I'm all grown up? I wouldn't even say I even *have* a best friend. And I find myself looking at the people who last year I called my closest friends, wondering how I ever thought we had anything in common.
I hate this about myself. I wish I had the desire to nurture and renew these friendships. But I don't. I want to find people who don't make me cringe when I see an e-mail in my inbox from them... knowing it will contain an invitation to some place I have no interest in going to hang out with people I have no interest in maintaining friendships with. But even if I find a new friend who "gets me"... who is to say I won't be absolutely sick of her by this time next year?
One friend in particular has been there for me in the most difficult of times. I have a lot of guilt about the prospect of throwing her out like yesterday's garbage, but I truly have no interest in rekindling our friendship.
Sometimes I think I get too comfortable in my romantic relationships and end up losing the desire to carry on friendships. I'd rather spend time cuddling my significant other, under covers, watching netflix movies, than go to this bar to watch that band with these people. So why force myself? If I have to make myself be someone's friend, why bother?
Am I a horrible person? Or just realistic? I can't decide.
I deal with this a lot in my life for many different reasons. Why not answer a cliche with a cliche? That highly overused reason, season, lifetime friendship thing...it's true. My dad said once that if you find just one lifetime friend, you've accomplished something amazing. We change. Our tastes change. I think our friends just change too. I hate losing those friendships, but I've learned to value every friendship for exactly what it meant to me or them and not force any friendship or resent anyone that moved on from me. The older I get, the more I've wanted to really just be around those I want to be around. And I'm not ashamed of it.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER, the man thing. I wish you all the luck in the world and I certainly wouldn't make a decision to be friends with anyone out of obligation, but everything is about balance. If you're always with him and never with your friends, stop it. Absence, alone time, and being apart is essential to every single relationship. And if anything happens and that man isn't next to you anymore, you may just hope you'd put a little more effort into those friendships you sacrificed. Those friends will bring you back to life. Just remember that before you sacrifice all of them.
I really believe that no one person can give you everything you need. So we need friends, strangers, family, and hobbies to make it all balance and be...happy.
I don't think you're a horrible person (though that may be because I'm a lot like you when it comes to friends.) We change all the time. We change at different rates. People who once meant the world to me are no longer in my life. There was no drama, no falling out. We just ... grew apart. I think it's natural.
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