Here's what I want to be able to say: I'm over you. I'll always have a special place for you in my heart, but I'm ready to move on to something more, something real. I genuinely hope that we can be friends because you were such a big part of my life. And I miss our friendship. I hope that she is everything that I couldn't be for you. Really, I do. Because you deserve the best.
Here's what I am saying: I'm over you. You really suck for telling me you miss my family and the sex more than you miss me. I hope you have a fantastic life.
Here's what my heart's telling me to say: I'm not over you. I never will be over you. I have always believed that you were the one for me and that hasn't ever stopped being true. Sure, other guys are cool. Some are even okay in bed. But none of them are YOU. We fit, you and me. You tell me when I'm being stupid and I tell you when you're being a baby. But you also tell me how beautiful I look in my favorite outfit when you don't even know it's my favorite. and I also tell you how amazingly smart you are and how I envy you.
I want you to be happy. But I want that to be with me. Not her. She might be a cool chick, but right now she's got the only thing in the world that I need to thrive. I need you to complete me. I can go on and live my life and I'll be okay. But I won't ever be full, or at peace, or genuinely happy without you by my side. I want to look at my babies and see your hazel eyes. Your blonde hair. And my nose... because let's face it. Your nose is not something you want to pass on to our little girl. And you love my nose.
You know everything about me and more. And I could pinpoint anything you are going to say, do, or even think about pretty much right on the dot. It's been a year, and I still find myself seeing things in the world that only you would get. Saying things like, "T would love that!" And people still have faith in us. STILL. After all the shit that we've put each other through. Not only do I still have hope, but so do other people that love and care about both of us.
I want to bombard you with all of this because, as they say, if you want something, you have to go out and get it. But I'm afraid it's still too soon to have it. I'm afraid that if I try, I'll crash and burn and all this time that I've spent working toward a little semblance of a friendship will go up in smoke. I'm afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid that I'll hurt you, too. And, to be honest, I'm a little afraid that you'll tell me you feel the same way.
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